Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Battling Zombie Demons.....Pen or Sword?




Strength...Wisdom...Courage.....


SOOOOO many demons, thoughts, memories, emotions. Starting to wonder if there is enough Brenda to cope. The three of us hate dealing with this crap, and it is not easy--we have extended family here and there...and people have been EXTREMELY gracious in their extensions of emotional support. But I was thinking tonight.....we three are all we have left. Yes, we have our own *families*. But all we have left of what we once saw as our family unit (heinous and dysfunctional as it may have been). And we can't let all this bullshit tear it apart. We can NOT. If we allow it, HE WINS. I had honestly put anything to do with my parents to rest long ago...I realized they would never change, never choose to actually be parents, and never, EVER, choose their children. Sometimes, walking away is just the only thing you can do to protect yourself and heal so you can be the person you need to be for your own family.
This was true once before, when I freed myself of the bondage the memories of his abuse created. I want to be *me*....and I to not want this craziness to tear at the fiber of my being, I can only hope that when the storm is over, my change will be that I am infinitely stronger and able to once and for ALL , put him and all the ugliness associated with him BEHIND me.

 And then she died. And in addition to all of the horrific circumstances surrounding her death, EVERY.LAST.DAMN.ONE of those scars that had healed over has been ripped open. After copious amounts of therapy and using coping tools and just learning that I can't change what I can't change..just ripped open. I think all three of us are feeling this. Looks like mama's going to be burning up the  blog again! Time  to dust her off and write to heal!
Perfect representation of me when I was young...hated walking into our house, from school, from visiting a friend, and ESPECIALLY after an awesome weekend at Nanny's house...because I always KNEW that somehow, he would find an excuse to hit me, punch me, kick, or pull my hair. Fucker made me so I never looked ANYONE in the eye growing up. And THIS is what all of his current bullshit has resurrected...this same frightened, beaten down,  and unsure little girl.. The little girl who just cannot wrap her head around the actions of her dad......Why? 

For the last week, I have actually felt like that same little girl who people *saw* all disheveled, a bruise or two, and never making eye contact, yet never was actually *noticed*. Not to say I don't feel noticed at all (SO MUCH LOVE coming our way!!), but to say that I feel just as helpless and vulnerable as that frightened little girl would be an understatement. All because of that same, greedy, drunk, hoggish, felonious , bastard. I'll shake it , though...I will write through it. And I know Heather and Brian will process things in their way as well, and we will get to the end of the tunnel like we had growing up.Sure, the three of us have our baggage from our childhood. But, we all survived, and became good people in SPITE of our upbringing, and are loving, nurturing parents in SPITE of their examples.  And because I know that we are all strong at heart, all the demons that are currently making us restless will eventually be put to rest. But even knowing that we are strong in our cores, doesn't negate the temporary battering that our psyche has gotten.  One day, I know I will be able to AGAIN say..."I MADE IT.". Can't have rainbows without storms, right?
My rainbow will appear when Dennis Weinhold is solidly in my rear  view mirror...Until then, ONWARD with the rainbow chasing!