Saturday, April 28, 2012

OH EM GEE! I'M BAAAAACK! -OR-WHAT THE HELL IS THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO TELL ME????




Whoa...I knew I hadn't posted in awhile, but I guess I didn't REALIZE the last post was back in DECEMBER!!! WOW! Well, lots of water under the bridge from then until now. In fact, far too much water to blog about in one posting. Synopsis now, more to follow, I PROMISE!

I discovered a mass in my abdomen last December that turned out to be a mere Spigelian hernia . Hernia repair happened in Mid January. Complications arose, leading to the still open wound (that is slowly healing) I have today (yes, I PROMISE more details will be in a later post--pictures too! YUM!). MRSA infection develops in the wound. Hospitalization. Many antibiotic courses. Mystery rash appears last week. And now...NOW...the ICING ON THE GODDAMN CAKE................

DDRRUUMMRROLLLLLL...............................

And NOW....TONIGHT.....I break a fucking tooth! Eating NOODLES at a hibachi place! Doesn't that just beat all! It was a back molar, which was drilled and filled several times in my life, and I have been having intermittent pain that the dentist *THOUGHT* could be a vertical fracture but wanted me to go to the Endodontist (back in DECEMBER) to have him check it out (cue HERNIA and ensuing complications and infection), so it's days were likely numbered.  But wow...sure, I have had a few "chipped" teeth, mostly due to abuse received as a child, but never have had one break. I love my teeth. I love my smile. Shit, it's been the ONE thing I have always and UNWAVERINGLY loved about myself. It has been with me through thick and thin. But apparently, the straw (or noodle, whatev...) that broke its back was my wanting to enjoy one measly night out with a good friend and my children. After practically being a goddamn HERMIT for months. I guess that was too much to ask!



So I kept asking, the rest of the evening, both to myself and to my daughter and friend, "What the EVERLOVING HELL is the universe trying to tell me?!?!?!"   I know there is always a lesson to be found somewhere. Always. And it is not always readily apparent. And believe me, this thought has crossed my mind several times since 2012 was ceremoniously rung in at the Annual Shade New Years Fireworks. But tonight, it was REALLY taking over my mind. And it wasn't until I read a very small Facebook post tonight by somebody -- You know the kind, those musings that make you go, "Hmmmmm..."--Something to the effect of being truly grateful for all that you have in your life instead of lamenting what you are missing.


BOOOM!!!!! There it was! Sure, I preach it. Sure, I have been SO thankful for the people in my life that have been bolstering me up and getting me through the struggles of this year. BUT...... I wonder if I have truly taken stock of what I *HAVE* versus what I am *MISSING*.

I found a mass... BUT... It was ONLY a hernia....could have been a tumor, but IT WASN'T.

My body rejected the implanted mesh from the repair...BUT...the sutures are holding the repair without the mesh so far.

My wound just would not heal......BUT...I have one of the BEST and MOST compassionate, thorough, and just plain AWESOME surgeons --  Dr. Galvan -- One of the true wonders that Penn State Hershey Medical Center has to offer  (hope he doesn't mind me mentioning him, I will be mentioning him ALOT in future blog posts about this year's journey...).

I contracted MRSA.....yea.....hard to find a positive here.... BUT....... I am otherwise healthy and NOT immuno-compromised , so I AM able to fight it, it's a slow and steady race, but my body is doing what it is supposed to.

I had to be hospitalized for the first time in my adult life that WASN'T linked to childbirth! For 5 days!....BUT....I was at a wonderful facility, with an amazing staff, with the shots being called by an even MORE amazing surgeon  , and I was sent home feeling fully equipped to handle the healing.

I hurt. Alot. Sharp. Stabby. Constant. Hurting. Pain. ... BUT... I have a wonderful support system that not only is changing my dressings, but is making sure that I have help with the little ones, AND that I have time to cry or bitch and whine if I need to. I also have ice packs. And a husband who doesn't mind the ice runs every couple days, NOT TO MENTION working all his double shifts AND taking on the lion's share of child care and household duties. And Vicodin.

I broke out in this heinous (and I do mean FUGLY) mystery rash. What's it from, you ask? How the hell do I know? All I know is that now, on top of being stabby/hurty, I am now swollen/itchy/hot/full of hives. Again, something I am struggling to find a plus for....BUT.... At least the rash isn't MRSA skin infection! Just hives! Shit, I can deal with that. ALSO....Since  Dr. Galvan  seems to have a magical way of making things happen, I got RIGHT IN to Dermatology yesterday, where I was promptly seen AND prescribed a longer dose of Prednisone, a RX antihistamine, AND some wonderful ointment that are ALL keeping the itching at bay. And even though the dermatologist is equally as befuddled as to what has caused my breakout (can't rule out a delayed Bactrim reaction, can't say what the hell is causing it, yadda yadda yadda...), I am BEYOND grateful that they got me in PRONTO and prescribed me some RELIEF!!!!!

This said Mystery Rash has made for a really puffy, ugly Brenda face.....



And quite a shiner from rubbing my eyes in my sleep! ... BUT.... I have a husband who still calls me gorgeous. Yea, I know, makes me tear up too, he's one of the keepers!

And tonight. I broke. A tooth. Probably will have to be pulled. Fuck. FSA will be all eaten up by June at this rate!   BUT.....had I not broken that tooth, I would not have had to go refill my vicodin tonight, and would not have talked to the BEST pharmacist EVER at Target! She not only told me that I COULD use my ointment on my lower eye lid (THANK JEEBUS! THIS ITCHING IS KILLING ME!!), BUT, she told me I should do it at night while wearing an eye patch so it doesn't smear into my eye or rub off onto the pillow....and if I wouldn't have asked her about that ointment, she would not have sold me my SUPER COOL PIRATE PATCH!!!!


Complete with requisite duck face!

So.....to recap. Yes, 2012 has really sucked so far. Sucked balls, as a matter of fact. BUT...... I can laugh. It hurts my belly to laugh, but you know what, SO WHAT! I can STILL laugh. A few weeks ago, I didn't think I would be laughing any time soon, but now look at me, laughing at my own pain, hideous rash, and broken molar. And my family loves me. And I have a husband who loves me and thinks I am beautiful , even though I look like a damn pimp beat me up, and I rolled around in a bunch of poison who-knows-what. And sure, my belly is still swollen, and will be until it is all healed up (whenever the hell THAT will be...), and SURE, I still have to wear my comfy pants....BUT....I *GET* to wear the comfy pants and nobody can judge me. If they do, I'll just whip out the pics of my open wound.

2012 may be sucking now....BUT....I think the universe is trying to tell me to not only take stock, but to sit back, and enjoy what *is*. There are graduations to attend! A wedding to be had! Hold my chin up when all it wants to do is droop. Pick myself up when all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry for the mother who will never be there to comfort me (THANK GODDESS FOR MY LOVING MOTHER IN LAW!!!). Be proud of myself for the baby steps of healing, when all I want to do is wallow in the time it takes to heal. Be thankful for the pain that I feel.....at least I am alive to feel it!  And above all else, LAUGH, when all I want to do is cower and be overwhelmed by the constant and seemingly never ending physical and emotional pain that has been with me since the New Year rang itself in at the Annual Shade Family New Year Fireworks Celebration.

"SCREW YOU!", I say to the hits that keep on coming. I will not tempt fate by telling her to BRING IT THE HELL ON, but I am not staying down. In fact, Mama's back.....and she is here to stay ;).

~~B

1 comment:

Melisa Dodrill said...

I laughed, I cried, I felt inspired, I felt like a complete failure that I can't be so wonderfully resilient...

Great blog post! Can't wait to see some more, with the WHOLE story!

(((HUGS)))

Sorely!